You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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