checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
