You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
