I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
