I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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