my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
