the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Randomize
