There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
