I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
