Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
