He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
This toilet bowl is my home.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
