my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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