I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
