Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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