did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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