just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
