there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
