drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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