everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
