Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
