Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
