Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
