This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
