how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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