When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
