Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
