we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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