she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
