smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
