I seem to have left my pride at pride
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
