How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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