Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
