Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We left an ass print on the piano.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
