Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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