just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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