there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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