the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
