Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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