Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
