Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
