i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
