You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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