I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
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me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
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I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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