what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
