i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
