I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
do nipples grow back?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
