never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
