don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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