I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
