Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
