Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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