I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
God I need to hump something, right now.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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