It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
