My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
