i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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